Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
