i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize