I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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