Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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