remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
