this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
