I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
