i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize