i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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