please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
