I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dicks are not precious.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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