I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
