Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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