i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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