someone threw a dead crab at me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
