Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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