I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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