Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
someone owes me an orgasm
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
