just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
