I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
