I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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