I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
