If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
