The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
