I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
