its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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