I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
