Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
COCAINE IS GR8
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