he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
