I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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