I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
