please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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