You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
