You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
