wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
