I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
