there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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