I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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