We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
