well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
