I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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