I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
