I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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