Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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