too bad you live with your parents still
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
