im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
