I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
