I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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