the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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