after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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