Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
