I will die if light touches me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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