I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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