I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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