im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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