where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
