I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
