i was born a porn star she said
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
