Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
