Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
