How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
