So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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